So often I want to just run into the mountains and hide in a cave. Escape from reality. Escape from humanity. Escape from my mind. Escape from philosophy, from religion, from culture, from relativity.
I am afraid. Afraid of myself - my mind and soul. How will I ever know what's right? Seems to me it's all relative...
Absolute truth. Myth? Idea? Reality? Does it actually exist.
Social construct. That's a frightening thought. Social construct is what makes up everything we know. Everything. But social constructs are developed from relative ideas and vice versa. This circle of thought is hell.
Perhaps it is only by death that we will completely find the truth or lack thereof. See how wrong we really were - how confused. After death, we'll be able to see who was right and who was wrong, unless there's nothing after death, in which case it doesn't matter.
We can theorize all we want, but who's to say I'm right and he's wrong? Morals are relative. Does that not scare anyone else?
How dysfunctional we are as a race. The human race.
I hate humanity.
Religion scares me.
My thoughts scare me.
Our "foundations" are falsely stable. We kid ourselves into thinking that they're immovable but then the ground shifts and it turns out it was just an illusion and now we've fallen into the water below. That's where I am now, and I'm drowning.
19 years of life and world view to match is being deconstructed right before me. It's tearing me apart. It's like I'm imploding and there's no escape.
But what if I'm wrong. What if there is an absolute truth and because I'm slowly finding myself denying its existence more and more, I will have to suffer terrible consequences to be set straight again.
It's not that I think God will damn me. No, He'll forgive me if I ask for it because he's gracious.
But what if that all is just a belief set by the social construct that teaches it?
If I run away from God though, then I'm running towards the earth - do I really want to be considered a part of this messed up world with no order? No, not really.
Escape. That's all I want. To escape. Escape reality, escape humanity, escape my mind, escape the world.
What's the point. Cliche, but seriously.
How can one run away from their thoughts?
Perhaps ignorance really is bliss. A small part of me is jealous of those complacent enough to make a "foundational" choice.
