I want to escape, oh so badly.

So often I want to just run into the mountains and hide in a cave. Escape from reality. Escape from humanity. Escape from my mind. Escape from philosophy, from religion, from culture, from relativity.

I am afraid. Afraid of myself - my mind and soul. How will I ever know what's right? Seems to me it's all relative...

Absolute truth. Myth? Idea? Reality? Does it actually exist.

Social construct. That's a frightening thought. Social construct is what makes up everything we know. Everything. But social constructs are developed from relative ideas and vice versa. This circle of thought is hell.

Perhaps it is only by death that we will completely find the truth or lack thereof. See how wrong we really were - how confused. After death, we'll be able to see who was right and who was wrong, unless there's nothing after death, in which case it doesn't matter.

We can theorize all we want, but who's to say I'm right and he's wrong? Morals are relative. Does that not scare anyone else?

How dysfunctional we are as a race. The human race.

I hate humanity.

Religion scares me.

My thoughts scare me.

Our "foundations" are falsely stable. We kid ourselves into thinking that they're immovable but then the ground shifts and it turns out it was just an illusion and now we've fallen into the water below. That's where I am now, and I'm drowning.

19 years of life and world view to match is being deconstructed right before me. It's tearing me apart. It's like I'm imploding and there's no escape.

But what if I'm wrong. What if there is an absolute truth and because I'm slowly finding myself denying its existence more and more, I will have to suffer terrible consequences to be set straight again.

It's not that I think God will damn me. No, He'll forgive me if I ask for it because he's gracious.

But what if that all is just a belief set by the social construct that teaches it?

If I run away from God though, then I'm running towards the earth - do I really want to be considered a part of this messed up world with no order? No, not really.

Escape. That's all I want. To escape. Escape reality, escape humanity, escape my mind, escape the world.

What's the point. Cliche, but seriously.

How can one run away from their thoughts?

Perhaps ignorance really is bliss. A small part of me is jealous of those complacent enough to make a "foundational" choice.

Patience is One of the Best Things I Know

I no longer understand impatience. 

At this moment, I am sitting on a tiny Southwest Airlines flight to New Orleans scheduled to leave at 10:10am. It is now 11:04am and we are still in gate C37 at DIA. I can feel the tension in the small cabin as people around me get irritated and start to complain about the delay. 

Last year, I made a resolution to be more patient. 

Unlike many other past resolutions I have made, this one actually held true. Throughout the past year, every time I got stuck at a long red light or had to wait in a super long line or sat on a delayed flight, I told myself not to worry about it, just enjoy the moment. I took the opportunity to enjoy that song on the car radio, the chance just to sit and think, the opportunity to people watch. 

I realized that getting fidgety or upset over something taking longer than expected wasn't going to make it go any faster. Honestly, the only effect that would come out of my impatience would be stress for myself and stress for those around me. Isn't it better to just accept that it's going to take longer, deal with the inconveniences, and remain calm and happy? 

Next time you're stuck at a light or are waiting in line, try taking a deep breath and enjoying the moment. I think you'll be surprised. 

The Small Smile of Travel

There's something about traveling. 

Yes, of course, as everyone says the destination and seeing new places is always joyously fantastic and that's why people do it and love it. Heck, that's why I love it! But that's not what I'm talking about here. 

I absolutely love traveling. Without a doubt, I just want to travel endlessly and for the rest of my life. But there's something else about travel, and it's not the beginning preparations or the things you do while away, it's the return home. I cannot say that it is my favorite part, but there's something about it that always hits me when I pass that "Welcome to Colorful Colorado" sign on a road trip or when the flight captain announces our decent into Denver International Airport. It's a small smile inside me that comes through and tells me that this is home. It's hard to find such appreciation for a place you know is home until you've left and come back. 

Maybe one day I will have the blessing to find another place as wonderful as Colorado to call home. Then, that small smile inside me will know more than one joyous secret hidden inside the conclusion of the fun adventure we all love and know as travel. 

What I Seek

What I seek is pure, inexplicable joy.
Undefined.
Understood.
An oxymoron? Yes.
Crazy? No.
Well.... maybe.
"Depends."
She says with a feathered smirk.
Far beyond happiness.
The most genuine of smiles.
See it?
A joy.

Find.
Found.
Felt.
A joy.

Follow Up: Life's Purpose

Sometimes, we just need to simplify. And sometimes, the best way to do this is to take a step back and boil it down to the fewest terms possible. Therefore, this post will be (or try to be) short and sweet. 

A few months ago, I wrote a post about the specific purpose(s) in one's life; mainly concerning the goals and accomplishments of an individual's future. I still stand by and hold the opinion expressed in that post, however I think it is is less complicated that I originally thought. There is still immeasurable depth to the question, but also a very simple, blanket answer depending on what (or whom) you put your faith in. 

According to 1 Corinthians 10:31, all our actions should be for God's glory:

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

 There you go! Purpose? To glorify God. 

But how does one go about this? As a Christian, I feel like there have been hundreds of things that I have been told from tons of people on how to live a "good Christian" life. Don't get me wrong, many of these things are fantastic and are conducive to good citizenship, etc.; however, not all are direct from God and sometimes, I feel like we get too caught up in our "Christian-ese" mindsets. I honestly try to steer clear of setting "rules for life." They are often too objective to function in the real world and often contradict each other. Instead, I personally try to stick to the commandments given to us from God and the scriptures that speak in terms of our behavior - not necessarily our deeds. Again, simply put,

Micah 6:8

"But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do,what God is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don’t take yourself too seriously—take God seriously."

If you have read this far in this soap-box-post, snaps for you and thank you for doing so! But at this point you may be thinking, "Ok, cool, Kristina. This is what you believe, but I don't really buy into this kind of stuff." To this, I'd like to touch on what I referred to earlier when I said "to whom or what you put your faith in." Rather than me ranting and talking about all the different angles one could look from, I want to challenge you, dedicated reader, to take a moment and determine what it is you put your faith in. What is it you put stock in? Find security in? Is it humanity? Hard work? Money? School? How about friends? Family? Food? The government? Religion? Relationships? Or is it a faith in God? Is it a faith in yourself? 

Every single one of these things definitely has a beautiful side to it, and each one should have a share in your attention, but if you have your faith in it - your true dependent faith - you are, in essence, glorifying it. 

So what is it you want to glorify in your life? As always, to each his own. But whatever it is you wish to glorify, I hope it brings you the purest form of joy. 

And believe me, when you find this joy, you'll know it instinctively. 

If You Are Ever So Lucky

If you are ever so lucky

To uncover

A glimpse,

A light, 

A joy,

A fire. 

If you are ever so lucky, 

To truly see. 

A phenomenon like any other 

Swift and gentle,

Passionate and jubilant; 

A contagious benevolance. 

This is beyond the earth

And beyond fabrication;

Most natural and genuine of all. 

To muse at such a sight 

A beauty, a light. 

If you are ever so lucky....

A. 

Smile. 

To. 

See.

A Photographer's Opinion

   

I take a lot of pictures. A lot. I am no professional or even consider myself a full-blown photographer. Just a girl with her iPhone and a knack for Instagram.

But despite the arguably unaccredited industry of cell phone photography, I believe my photos are still fairly artistic and eye-catching. 

But I didn't come here to talk about my photos, necessarily. Nor did I want to talk about the photography world. What I wish to encourage perspective and observation. 

A friend of mine once left a comment on the following photo with a comment that was something like "We need to go on a photography adventure sometime!" 

While a "photography adventure" sure sounds fun, truth is, I very rarely go looking for things to photograph (perhaps this is why I haven't invested in a real camera; then I would have to carry it with me everywhere...). 

I was thinking about this this morning while waiting for the bus (I do a lot of thinking on public transportation) and I realized that almost all my photos (with the exception of the pictures from my trip to Asia) come from only a few locations: my house, the mountains, and the University of Colorado - Boulder campus. 

Despite how few locations I usually photograph, I think I have taken about 450 pictures (give or take). I enjoy looking at the same and familiar things in new ways, from new perspectives. Seeing things at a different angle. I believe it allows you to look at objects and scenes you see everyday and view them in ways that brings new appreciation. 

However, it is my belief that this idea doesn't have to apply to just photography; it can be applied to almost anything. If you start looking at things, people, and places in new ways; you may just capture something new and beautiful.

I challenge you, next time you are walking outside, try standing directly under a tree and looking straight up. Take in what you see and absorb the flecks of sunlight that peep through the silhouetted leaves. 

If interested, my Instagram username is: okgokris